Iāve wrestled with this as well, and also with the sovereignty/free will question, but then not nearly as much as I wrestled with the doctrine of eternal tormentā¦ when that gets thrown into the mix, and especially from a more Calvinist/sovereignty kind of angle, then you get to wishing you were never bornā¦ when you get to thinking that your Creator, the Source of your very being, is either a monster or some kind of lunatic, then its like the proverbial rug gets pulled out from under you, and youāre left feeling like a little fly fighting against the whole universe, and a cold and indifferent one at thatā¦
I think this kind of thing gets touched on in Job, these kinds of questions, fear, doubts; questions, fears, doubts, that Iāve had myself, and in the past filled me with anguishā¦
But there are a couple things that help me to not give up on God, and to keep moving forwardā¦
One is more recent, that being the hope of universal reconciliation, that, in the end, all will well, and all manner of things shall be well, that everything will be okay, all sorrows will pass away, and everlasting joy will take its place for allā¦
How this will work out, I donāt know, but that hope makes all of lifeās craziness more bearable, at least for me, because there is something to look forward to, something wonderful and beautiful that will outweigh all of the pain and the ugliness that came before it, and will consume it, like light consuming darknessā¦
But some may feel that this is a cop-out to the question at hand, that having hope for the future doesnāt help us very much today, in which case Iāll mention the other thing that helps to keep me going:
Trust.
Yes, there are many unanswered questions, many things that vex us and confuse us, and we donāt understand why everything is the way that is. We may make guesses, even educated ones, but in the end, we all see through a glass darkly, so we canāt really say for sure, even though maybe we think we can.
I have suffered a great deal, at least mentally and emotionally, throughout my life. I have been in some very dark places internally, where there seemed to be no light at all, and where anxiety and despair ruled, and hope and peace were far awayā¦
But Iāve gotten through those dark places, come through those dark times, and I am learning gradually that it was God that got me through themā¦ I donāt know why exactly I went through themā¦ all I know is that I did go through them, but even so I got through them, and Iām still here.
And no doubt there will be other dark places I will find myself throughout my life. I still have my struggles even now, after all.
But I believe I will get through the darkness ahead of me, just I did through that behind me, and all because God is with me in the dark, holding my hand.
Itās like Dietrich Bonhoefferās prayer, which he wrote while in prison, awaiting execution:
āIn me there is darkness, but with you there is light
I am lonely, but you do not leave me
I am feeble of heart, but with you there is help
I am restless, but with you there is peace
In me there is bitterness, but with you there is patience
I do not understand your ways, but you know the way for me.ā
We donāt understand Godās ways, but we can choose to trust God regardless, trust that we are loved, trust that we are not alone, trust that God isnāt some monster, but rather a Father who loves us, and not some tyrant, but rather a King who understands us, understands and even shares deeply in our struggles and our pain and aching, and trust that He knows the way for us, the way home, even if it is riddled with pain and sorrow, questions and struggles, along the wayā¦
I donāt know exactly why life is the way it is, why there is so much violence and suffering in the world, both natural and human, I donāt know why there are disasters and tragedies of all kinds, why bad things happen to good people, or even why bad things happen to bad people, who need more good in their lives to make them better people anywayā¦
I donāt know why some people go crazy, or give up and kill themselves, or why there are diseases and birth defects, or why so many die afraid and miserable and alone, seemingly without hopeā¦
I donāt know why. I donāt have all the answers.
What I do have is hope, and some evidence, by looking at my life, and at the life of those around me, that God is trustworthy, even so, even though it often in this world does not seem like it.
I am willing to take a shot, to believe that God has His reasons for making the world the way it is, or allowing it to be the way it is, or whatever, and that they are good ones, reasons with love and wisdom in them rather than cruelty or indifference, and that we will understand it all in the end, and be at peace, with God and with one another and with our lives and in our heartsā¦
Perhaps life is like a story, full of conflict and sadness and loss, but always moving towards a beautiful end, and perhaps we would not understand how beautiful it was unless we had gone through all of that conflict and sadness and lossā¦ perhaps we just could never fully appreciate the light without the dark, or value the fellowship without the loneliness, or know the love without the sadness and painā¦
But that is only a guess. I too see through a glass darkly.
Itās like my fiancee says: If we canāt trust God, then who can we trust?
Iād rather take a shot at trusting God, than assuming the worst, rather believe things worth believing in than be fatalistic, and choose despair rather than hope.
I think thatās one of the lessons that Job learned through everything he went through in his storyā¦ he found that he could trust God, could trust Godās heart, and no matter whatā¦
As he said āEven though he slay me, yet shall I trust Him.ā
And that is what I am trying to do, with whatever faith I have.
But then, when we are feeble and frail in our faith, ridden with doubts and fears, we can cry out āI do believe, help me with my unbelief!ā or āI do trust, help me with my lack of trust!ā and hold to the promise that even when we are faithless, He remains faithful.
Hope this contributes to the discussion.
Blessings to you, and peace
Matt
